Could have just gone to Vega$, ok maybe not

I guess its time i got around to writing about our trip to Italy. Three independent parties had suggested that we could skip Venice- we've seen it in the movies after all, and theres one in vega$ anyway. Our Australian friend David told us it smells like the diaper wiff we always get in our local train station (false, Aluche rocks the stench by far). Other folks told us its expensive as hell (true) and absolutely full of douchey tourists like us (true). But heres the thing, theres no other place like it, except of course the one in vega$. Amsterdam also has some canals but the charcater of the city is totally different. Also Venice is not that crowded outside of the top five tourist destinations. The secret is that Venice, in its impossible to navigate entirety, is the destination, not some cathedral or museum (one caveat here: the Palazzo Ducalle does have five Bosch paintings...just something to think about). i enjoyed every second of wandering the streets and bridges, Becky had dreams about being lost there, which was true most of the time. You will pay with your own organs for a gondola ride (had to do it)and see so many other kidney-less tourists doing the same, that it feels like you're on a water ride at the Epcot center. Despite the kidney loss and the hordes it was pretty fun, our gondola guy was funny and weaseled into several pictures. On the other hand you can bring an old soda bottle to a wine shop and have it filled with wine for a couple bucks. it's kind of like my old fantasy of 7-11 selling big gulps of beer. So you can destroy the other kidney fairly cheaply. Go to Venice if you can, its cool, bring organs. Oh yeah whenever you order a coffee or a beer, it costs more to have it at a table. So remain standing unless you want a 5 euro coffee.


Next we went to Florence, Pistoia, Pisa, and the Tuscany region for a few days. In the cathedral (the Duomo), there is an enormous cupola with a painting on the inner surface. I'm pretty sure it was modeled after the cover of a Dio record, or maybe it was Grim Reaper. Seriously, there's demons eating people alive, the nine rings of hell, the judgement day and all of that. I guess this is supposed to frighten you into christianity. Later we ran into the fake David by Michelangelo. Why the fake David? Well, the real one was moved inside of a different museum to protect it from vandals. But who gives a shit, I already saw that thing in Caesar's Palace. Renaissance art doesn't do much for me. It just seems to be about inexplicable gratuitous nudity, rippling muscles, oversized hands and feet and undersized penises. I understand that it was a big change from relatively flat medieval art lacking perspective,it emphasized the human form, and occasionally portrayed something other than Jesus but you know I think I like medieval art - granted theres only so many Jesus's I can bear to look at. Anyways- David- he looks like Jay Cutler, the most overrated cocky dickbag of a quarterback ever. I hate Jay Cutler, and Denver Broncos are so much harder to hate now that he's gone. The Boticellis were worth seeing though, and no Jesus, just good ole paganism. I was so sick when we went to Pisa, we just turned around and left after we finally got there. Tuscany really was beautiful, its medieval towns are surrounded by open countryside in contrast to alot of places. Food was decent but it won't make you do a backflip like everyone tells you. I'll take enchiladas or chilis rellenos anyday.



Finally we went to Rome. At first it was just mediocre, we were tired and kind of in the "I've seen so much stuff I'm failing to appreciate Rome" rut. Things were pretty, including nice views from some famous steps, some famous fountains and plazas (more renaissance, woohoo), but it wasn't stunning. Not until we blundered into the Pantheon. That is a legit 2000 year old Roman temple still standing, with columns like redwoods. Its the sort of thing that our country likes to copy in all of its official buildings, but this is the real thing. The next day we visited the Colliseum, and the adjacent archaeological park. The park consists of the Palatine Hill and the Forum. We had a book which said most visitors leave the forum underwhelmed. Of course my previous knowledge of the forum was gained at Caesar's Palace- its a place with Gucci and Louie Vuitton stores, animatronic statues, and a fake sky that changes. Turns out the real forum is awesome, I don't know what kind of dolt could leave there underwhelmed. It's a junkyard of columns and foundations, arches, and temple fronts. Every rock fragment in sight was a piece of an ancient building. I've never seem anything remotely similar. Everywhere you go in this part of the city there is some excavated something several feet below the modern street level. It may be a gladiator training facility, a reconstructed tile floor, or a colony of nasty feral cats. After all this the Vatican was so unimpressive, except the pope mummies were pretty intriguing. The impression you get is: WHAT DISGUSTING WEALTH!!! When they pass around that plate for cash, you can rest assured they ain't feeding those freeloading poor people with the cash. They spend it all in dipping popes in molten gold and encrusting them with rubies. We blew off the Sistine chapel entirely because we suck at being tourists.

..by the way i'm getting lazier about pictures, these are all Becky's pics.