attack of the 50 foot virgin

We just returned from Valencia and Las Fallas. Las Fallas is a festival in honor of St. Joseph in which sculptures, some enormous, are constructed, paraded and then burned on the final hellish day. The statues are satirical, depicting fuckery in all of its major forms.

As i have before in other parts of spain, I walked away with a Disney sort of taste in my mouth after my first visit to Valencia. First the Fallas (the sculptures) themselves can best be described as "pinnochiod", and are like little pieces of Fantasyland spontaneously scattered in plazas all over the city except that some of them have their balls or breasts hanging out. Aside from the Fallas, there is also a 'Tommorrowland'. The city of arts and sciences (tommorrowland) is a bizarre collection of museums and concert halls, and best of all an example of 1960's futurism (except that its only a decade old). Why is it that whenever someone wants something to look futuristic it is either white or polished naked metal? I've always liked this kind of imagery, partly because it has such a short shelf life....if you wait a few decades you quickly find out how dumb your vision of the future was. This is why I've always liked airports (I think I'm the only one). Did you ever notice that the only place you ever saw a monorail outside of disneyland was in some airport? futurism. Aside from the Fantasyland cells, and Tommorrow land, there is a giant statue of the virgin made of flowers brought by hand by parading women. We can call her Snow White. The parades literally last days, all to bring flowers for this thing. We thought they might burn it too, but then figured that these catholic idolators might not be into burning a giant idol of the mother of Jesus in front of the cathedral which houses the holy grail (more on this later). Finally, there is no Adventureland or Frontierland, but during las Fallas Valencia has something else that is a little of both and then some. At least every 30 seconds you are scared shitless by some form of explosion. Every kid in the city is lighting off firecrackers that are REALLY LOUD, every day at 2:00 there is a 45 minute long firing of cannons in the city accompanied by fireworks, every night at 1:00 there is a fireworks show. You never experience any smell other than gun powder and you wonder why you keep blowing black snot out of your nose. If you ever wondered what living in a warzone was like, here you go...... Beirutland! I liked the pinnochiod sculptures, the 30-years-too-late 60's futurism (in spite of the lack of a monorail), the attack of the 50 foot virgin, but i really, really, really hated the stupid firecrackers. hated them. really.

a pinnochiod fantasyland cell hiding among us and waiting to be activated.

the towering virgen, right before she came to life and destroyed a city block in rage.

in the world of the future buildings will serve no practical function.

The burning was pretty awesome. Predicitably my photo card was full the second they lit off the falla we had chosen to watch burn. we picked one in the plaza next to one of the gates still standing form the city wall which is no longer standing. but becky got some awesome shots. really, this is catholocism?? it's really different than all those heinously boring sundays when i was a kid. i could have gotten into this.

these people are patiently waiting for an inferno in front og them as one erupts behind them.



beirutland- this was one of the smaller childrens fallas which they shot with a rocket launcher.

after the burning, valencia actually got a bit boring. we ran out of things to do. we were just too jaded after beirutland. FYI the aquarium and science museum at tommorrowland are overrated and overpriced. aparrently the vatican reconginizes that the cup used by jesus at the last supper, aka the holy grail, is located at the cathedral in valencia. huh???!!!! isn't this the famous lost relic that the arthurian legend and an indiana jones movie were about? they should have just gone to valencia. isn't it also a figure of speech, refering to a thing that despite infinite searcing cannot be found-with the implication that quite possibly it doesn't exist. do you believe its just sitting in a church in valencia? i don't. sounds like another shroud of turin to me. but anyways, we never quite made it over there when it was actually open, so we are also still searching for the holy grail.

valencia food review: There a few things you are just supposed to eat when you go to this city.
Paella: ????, I went to Valencia and didn't have any paella. to be fair to myself, i have had paella on numerous occassions cooked by a guy who learned it from his mom, who is in turn from valencia. also i like the theatre of making paella in a big pan especially over a fire. but, alas, most paella is lost on me, even if i did eat meat i would not want to eat a plate of rice befouled with a stinky sealife diarama on top. i cannot stress enough that seafood makes me gag, sorry its the way i am and i can't change it. i don't want sea bugs cooked in their own gut contents just dropped whole onto my food. the few vegetarian ones taste exactly like what they are, a big plate of salty ho-hum rice with way overcooked veggies. big deal. so totall unfairly, my grade for paella is C+. But maybe you would like this stuff...

Bunuelos- These sounded really exciting and unique. They are basically donuts with pumpkin in the dough, served straight out of the frier, and dusted with sugar. They definitely were good, but after all the talk I was expecting something incredible. Also I had hoped they would actually taste a bit of pumpkin, they don't. they are decent but I'll take an elephant ear any day, B+.

Horchata, Orxata- I have written before about how much I love Spanish horchata. Mexican horchata is good but his stuff is 1000 times more complex, and is made of a sedge tuber. To me its like a lowfat milkshake with a touch a cinnamon and a dash of sprite at the end. and i'm just tallking about the cheap shit you can get in the grocery store, and no they don't add cinnamon and sprite the tuber just has those flavor elements. In valencia, there are horchaterias everywhere and the stuff is great. You can get it in liquid form, or slushy, and best of all with coffee. A+ (paella is an overrated fad, just go straight for the horchateria).