big trouble in little china

My culinary experience is improving dramatically. I had been getting into this rut where I would walk into the grocery store in my neighborhood and not want to buy anything there. I'd proceed to make myself get the handful of shit I always get and leave as soon as possible. But I think it's just my town. Madrid seems to have everything, though it may cost you dearly, and you may need some insider information. Once in a while you score big. A Korean guy in my spanish class told me about this market where he was buying Kimchee really cheap, and he said they had lots of other stuff to. It is really hard to find as its in a very cryptically marked brick building, but inside is a traditional spanish market which consists of stalls operated by various sellers. Despite the traditionalness, it turns out theres alot of foreign stuff there also including 500g blocks of tofu for 0.60 euros! Incredible! Previously I had chalked tofu up as unattainable because it cost 3.50 for 250 grams! I aint a rich man. But this tofu is made in madrid and even cheaper than the states.

I also got a tipoff from some expat blog about a secret chinatown underneath plaza de Espana. The plaza is a nice small park with a monument to Cervantes, and I have noticed, much like the blogger, that there were two dodgy looking staircases going underground in the plaza, supposedly to a parking lot. When you go down there, there is a chinese travel agency, a bar which serves chinese food, and a full blown asian market. The first thing I saw in the window was Huy Fong Sriracha! It cost dearly, but come on, that is worth it. If you take the time to shop around for stuff you will find some incredible bargains, and enormous differences among brands. I was feeling triumphant as I left, and right as I emerged from the stairs to the street again I saw the critical mass (bici critica here). My first impulse was to body check one of the riders to the ground, like the cops do in New York. Or maybe flip out and drive a car right at them like they do in Seattle. But instead I just checked it out and hooted and hollered. It looked like a fun group, maybe 300-400 that I saw, and there must have been at least 50 pirates among them...must be the local CM style. I know alot of people think these rides are counterproductive, but I just think : how fun to dress up as a pirate, team up with 300 of your friends and ride at will on the streets of the capital. That can't be that bad can it?

We’re here because stop signs are a pain! The world is watching, fascist pigs!

Some of you will want me dead….but I have been looking forward to gas prices rising this high for a long time. The reason is that, while it will hurt now, it will force us to do something that will preempt much more pain in the future. It’s a risky moment because we can choose some things over others, and certain things won’t benefit us very much in any long term way and will create an opportunity cost because a workable solution was not pursued (again and again). A lot of people will want to see the US increase drilling for oil, as if our demand could be satisfied this way. It can’t, it would only help some and for a while, and it would force us to do things we thought were a bit unsavory in the past: more offshore drilling, drilling in wildlife refuges, seismic explorers next to national parks…that sort of thing. The simple facts are: we’ve always known oil is finite, but we still bought a less than efficient car, we still chose to live far from work, we still had 2 or more cars per family, etc. Now we’re screwed. The only president that ever told the truth about this was Jimmy Carter, and he’s been retrogressively vilified for it…basically he said “we’re going to have to use less oil”. The only true thing Bush ever said was “America is addicted to oil”, then he proceeded to do nothing about it.

So what do we have to do? Lots of things will be a piece of the solution which maybe I’ll write about another time. But number one is: find a way to live our lives while using less oil. I’ve been happy to read recently that a lot of people are actually doing it…by riding bikes. I’ve read stories from many different cities about this radical change in behavior and attitude. And then I open MSN and see this link “Increase in bike riders fuels new road rage in Oregon”. It links to a short newsweek article by Winston Ross, and talks about a series of incidents I’ve been reading about on bike blogs for a couple weeks. First, thanks Winston for throwing gasoline on the fire. The article talks about some drunken douche that beat a man with his bike, then a drunk driver who tried to run down a cyclist on purpose supposedly to kill or at least maim him. Both road rage incidents. Then a cyclist ran a red light and had a crash, nothing to do with road rage (furthermore, how many cars ran red lights and got into crashes that same day? i reckon more than this one cyclist that is so important to talk about). Then a cyclist and a guy in a car got in a fistfight because the guy in the car said something about the cyclist not wearing a helmet. Ok, sort of road rage but more like a regular argument turned fight, unclear who the actual first puncher was. Not mentioned, was a recent incident in a Seattle critical mass ride where the news reported a man and his family were cornered in their car, tried to escape, and then were attacked by an angry mob of cyclists. Later eyewitness reports indicated the man gunned his car directly at a cyclist and dragged him, then hit another, and then…the cyclists beat the shit out of his car (The sequence seems pretty important here). I’m really annoyed by this article: why?

1) Right off the bat, look at the link…there is road rage because there is more bike riders is what the link is actually saying. In other words bike riders caused this. Nowhere does the article indicate that anyone involved in anything was a new rider, thus the link between these things and new ridership is unclear in the article. Furthermore, why doesn’t it say “Idiots with cars talking shit, threatening or assaulting cyclists fuel new road rage in Oregon”. Obviously that’s a loaded title, but about as accurate as the real one. There are incidences where both cyclists and drivers are being total idiots, and incidences where its unclear who the idiot is. This journalist is turning all of these events into “a pattern” and the result is that he makes the new trend of increased bike use as a car replacement into a bad thing.

2) After setting the scene of this media-accelerated pattern, he goes on to ponder why. We are told in one sentence that most cyclists say drivers act as if they don’t exist, that’s it…the cyclist take on things. It says that motorists are pissed that cyclists run red lights, but some cyclists defend running red lights because it’s a pain to hop off their bikes. Nobody hops off their bike at intersections, that’s just silly. And its not about it being a “pain”…I think the argument is more along the lines of this: traffic laws are written by and for people that drive cars. Most of the time they make good sense for regulating bike traffic too. Occasionally some of these rules aren’t the best for bikes because bikes are a different type of vehicle. Because a bike can stop in a much shorter distance and enjoys a completely unobstructed forward and sideways view, some people would like to see laws that permit bicycles to treat stop signs like yield signs. Cyclists lose kinetic energy that they have created using their own power when coming to a complete stop, and must slowly restart after the stop. Any bike commuter will tell you how they feel when they need to make a left turn from a complete stop, with 10 cars waiting behind them. Like a fucking rodeo clown without a barrel. You can breakaway must faster from a slow roll. The faster you can ride the safer you are. People in cars often misunderstand this slow-roll-instead-of-complete-stop behavior as “Oh my fucking god that maniac is just going to dart out in front of me!” and then they slam on their brakes, which causes the real hazard because the cyclist has already fired the synapses to move his legs and dart through the hole that would have opened had the car not slammed on the brakes. I’m not saying that idiots that just blow full speed through stop signs are in the right (they are dumb and at least endangering themselves, and they are probably riding brakeless track bikes in the city), I just want to point out that that the above explanation is at least a little different than “I don’t stop at lights because it’s a pain”. That’s just shit journalism. It’s kind of like when they show some protest or something on TV, then have invite some random stoner over for a sound bite to explain the whole thing: “We’re here because stop signs are a pain! The world is watching, fascist pigs!”

3) The article devotes a paragraph to some guy (why him? Of all the people to devote a paragraph to, such as ….I don’t know…the people involved in some of the road rage incidents?) who is angered by cyclists not wearing lights and wearing helmets. What does this have to do with the central theme of the article? Nothing, it’s a total red herring. And what is the helmet obsession? Yeah, if you are in a wreck a helmet will reduce the probability of a major head trauma, no arguments here. But here’s the thing: automobile accidents are the most common killer of people under 40, and despite seat belts and airbags, head injuries are still common, and over two thirds of the people reporting to a hospital after a car wreck are there for head injuries. So, lives would be saved and injuries prevented, if people driving cars wore helmets too, its not just a cycling thing. Furthermore, there are many things that people do or don’t do that make them less safe, like not using turn signals or traveling too fast. Almost every driver speeds at least once a day. So why is everyone going on about helmets in this article…because they are a device to portray cyclists as lawless and too lazy to ensure their own safety. If a drunk driver ran two red lights dragging nuns on the hood and hit an unhelmeted cyclist, the ensuing news article would find a way to blame the cyclist because he wasn’t wearing a helmet. That’s the state of the media. The guy wonders why the cycling community doesn’t insist everyone wear helmets and lights…first off there’s not a central command station for the cyclists. And most bicycling organizations do in fact advocate the use of helmets and lights. If I was “the guy” who had nothing to do with anything but got picked to be interviewed in the article, I might have said “Why doesn’t the automobile community insist that every driver be tested on sharing the road with cyclists?” I’ll bet none of you reading this had a single question on your driver’s license exam about the bicycle statute for your state. Get this…in Copenhagen and Amsterdam there’s literally millions of cyclists. Almost none of them wear helmets, in fact they think they are ridiculous. I’m sure accidents occur, but cycling is quite safe. What’s the difference: I think it’s because there’s better bike infrastructure, and even though there’s still a lot of cars there, drivers are much better educated about how to share space with riders. It’s a good thing to avoid a head injury if you get hit, but it’s 1000000000 times better to not get hit because people on bikes and in cars know how to coexist.

So more people are riding bikes now. This is undoubtedly a good thing, because it means we are using less oil which is the root of our most pressing problems today. Don’t listen to dipshits like Winston, who want to make you afraid to ride a bike, or rile up your indignation at the lawless bike pirates. YYAAAAAARRRR!!!! I propose we all just get along and stop acting like assholes.

The Michelangelo encryption

I have been busy. I went on a field trip to Sax to do some work last weekend. To the left is my best picture from Sax., maybe my best photo ever. What is the thing speaking, and why are it's words in a cloud as if they are thoughts? Then I took my days off in the middle of the week. I took the train to Cercedilla, then hiked the Roman road to Peurto Fuenfria. On the train I saw the fascist monument at Valle de los Caidos, plain as day, you can't miss it. The roman road was cool, its about 1000 years old, but was repaved (recobbled really) about 300 years ago, and nows its falling apart again. It was a hazy day so the Puerto did not offer much in the way of views, but it was a pleasant enough walk. I wisely opted out of biking it which would have required a mountain bike. My bike hasn't been seeing alot of recreational action...just commuting. The Roman Road is also part of one of the Camino de Santiago pilgrimage routes which converge on Santiago de Compostela. So it consists of many layers of history.



the sweetest trail map i ever saw

a cow taking a load off on the roman road to fuenfria

Today I went to the convento de los descalzos reales (Royal convent of the barefoot, approximately). I didn't know anything about it except that it was recommended on one of these expat-travel Spain websites. It said "fantastic treasures lie within"...so I was suckered. Maybe it was a riddle, extolling me to find my inner beauty. The convent was actually was pretty cool, except guided tours are compulsory, do not follow a logical order, are totally dry, and give you no time to really look at anything. And they don't allow pictures. I wanted to dawdle and see the details like the cool tiles on the floor, the raggedy toenails of Mary Magdalene, the writhing cherubim at the feet of the virgin. The best thing about catholicism for me are the things that the reformationists hated so much: idolatry, medieval symbols that are still in use and no one understands anymore, and gaudy wealth. The convent is a series of chapels that are covered in baubles, gold, fake gold, trinkets, sculptures, sculptures wearing gold crowns, gold paint, and very old religious iconography, oh and gold. If you are an anthropologist studying the Spanish, like me, you will find it totally enthralling...if they'd just give you 5 seconds to look at shit and actually permit photos. The past and present of Spain is very much about catholicism, from the conquistadors to the inquisition to Franco (i may be overcynical but I can't think of positive things to mention in this list), and even now. For example, the pope is going to return to Madrid I think next year, and the Spanish government will pay for it. It's really weird that this is a democratically elected socialist government, which also has a monarch that is a subject of the pope and the catholic church. It seems like an impossible combination, but history is weird like that.

Some of the oddest things about the convent were ones that were conspicuously not mentioned. i wondered, what the hell does all of this mean? I did a thorough job of dodgy internet reasearch to solve these mysteries, so now i'm an expert. Perhaps now I will write a cheap imitation of Umberto Eco and sell a million copies at grocery store checkout lines. I'll call it "The Michelangelo encryption".

1) There was a statue of Mary, at her feet was a dragon, and a frothy mess of chubby baby heads with wings. I imagine the dragon was some incarnation of satan. The baby heads, the part that really bothered me to be honest, were a way of representing angels (cherubim to be exact). Because these were fat babies they seem to be a hybrid cherubs and putti, innocent souls represented as fat babies with wings.

2) Flagellation. A painting in the old nun's dormitory depicts a woman holding a cat of nine tails. Basically an instrument for purifying yourself by whipping. Portaits of nuns showed a knotted rope that they wore. I thought this might be another self torture device, but it turns out to just be an early form of rosary or prayer knot.

3) The beasts of Valle de los Caidos. After the bewildering apocalyptic imagery of valle de los Caidos...I recieved this lesson in a tapestry hanging in the convent dormitory. First the figures at valle de los caidos are not apostles, rather they are the gospels. Each is associated with a symbol which indicates their representation of Jesus. Eagle, Lion, Ox, Man. For example the ox is a beast of burden image of Jesus, the man is the universal man. John is associated with an eagle. We were told by the tour guide that a dominant theme in all the tapestries was the depiction of the transfiguration of bread and wine into the body and blood of Jesus, something the protestants wanted purged from the church, but the tapestry maker considered the most important thing ever. John is holding a chalice, unmentionted was the freaking snake tail hanging out of the cup! !! A quick search of dodgy internet info reveals a snake with a chalice is a pagan symbol of masculinity. For John, the legend goes that he was given a cup of poisoned wine, made the sign of the cross over it, and the poison slithered out in the form of a snake. Patrick driving the snakes form Ireland is probably a similar metaphor. The weird thing about the tapestry is that the snake TAIL hangs from the cup, as if the snake is crawling in. This will be the centerpiece of my novel.

4) In one room, Mary Magdalene is portrayed in a hyperrealistic wooden statue. You can see the blue veins in her hand. I couldn't help but notice...her toenails were like mine. Too long, rough with pieces broken off here and there. The platform she was standing on had junctions were multiple pieces of wood came together. These are absent from the statue itself which leads me to the obvious conclusion that the platform is some type of container. If you want to know whats in it you will have to buy the book and tolerate gratuitous use of cliffhangers at the end of each chapter.

This just in...Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.

Valle de los caidos (valley of the fallen) is a weird,beautiful creepy place, and a fine easy day ride from el Escorial. There is only a minor climb of about 4 km, you can ride all the way from Madrid city or take the train to Escorial which is what I did. After uncle Franco crushed the republican guard, the communists, and the anarchists, he announced he would build a great monument to those that died in the Spanish Civil War that he pretty much started. Accounts vary as to how the great monument was built...forced labor by republican prisoners, or a way for prisoners to choose to reduce their sentence. The valley itself is a nice forested area and you can see Madrid city, numerous small towns, Peurto Navacerrada, and (I think) the Roman road which passes over Puerto Fuenfria. In the middle of the valley is the world's largest crucifix, built on a rock outcrop. Within the rock outcrop is a basilica. The fallen (thousands) are apparently buried in the valley, though it is unclear to me where. Their names are not part of the monument. As it turned out Franco himself is buried here, so it is also the tomb of the third most famous fascist in world history. As I understand, there were parties in the streets of Madrid when he died, so I don't know why he was honored like this. They should have just dropped him off at the city dump. Maybe it was a subtle insult to have him buried among all the people whose deaths he caused? Franco's name is one of only two that appear in the basilica (which unfortunately was closed when I went), so he ended up building a giant monument to himself whether he intended it or not. The cross reflects his catholicism...to this day there is really only one religion is Spain. People are impressed by the vast number of protestant and non-christian religions in the US. The cross itself is a fractal, because any cross section is a also a cross (wow, cross section of a cross! the phrase itself is a fractal). The cross is buttressed by apostles, all associated with beasts of some sort. Since they are riding animals it makes it seem as if they are the four horsemen, in fact this whole place indicates DOOM. The sculptures have a mortared blocky look to them like the Thing from the fantastic four. When I was there I realized I had seen this cross from Navacerrada, not realizing just how immense it is or how cool it is in person. I read on the internet that there is actually a ladder to a hatch on the top. Sounds like a fine ninja mission, sitting on top of the cross shotgunning PBR, listening to Black Sabbath and shooting off bottle rockets.



















No shit dude, its a big cross, I bet Mussolini was jealous.
You know what they say about the size of a dictators cross monument.....yep, big feet.

Bonnie Prince Billy

....i just saw his show in Madrid last night. I am totally haggard today. He was with a different band than the last one I saw. Although i think the lumberjack bassist was with him last time. The bassist is like the ox pulling the cart, he makes everything possible but noone seems to notice. They are going for...and producing... a really rich and polished sound, really very different from the more raw Palace Brothers days. It sounds as if there are more instruments than there really are. I like some bands for their minimalism (e.g. almost all punk rock is pretty minimal), but this band is the opposite...and they are damed good. They used alot of harmonic vocals complemented by Jennifer Hutt, who is also an excellent violinist and not so painful to look at either. She was the highlight really, the one who got to do all the small important tasks while the bassist heaved away to no applause. There was another singer/guitar player named Emmet Kelly...the name of a famous clown. It was weird for me to see Will Oldham focusing on singing rather than playing (he played on most songs but often not major parts)...he's known as an unusual singer and is one of my favorite lyricists (and funny, disturbing, and cryptically dirty), but not necessarily a good singer. But he stood up there as if it was his job. Without an instrument his stage presence and persona, and occasional facial twitches, are reminiscent of Jim Carrey playing the grinch. He is really playing up the scary inbred hillbilly persona, but cracks numerous silly jokes. I still can't believe they played here....awesome.

Did you send me mail?

A least three people have sent something to my home address, only to have it returned for no apparent reason. I don't understand the problem...becasue it appears people are using the correct address. if you have or are sending me something...thanks, and email me for my work address which is more secure.

Swimming holes, dog time, rafaella carra ...and all i got was this lousy tick

Turns out Spanish people have fun 24 hour parties sometimes. Pablo and his girlfriend Patri had a party last weekend. i caught a lift with two of the post-docs from the university, and we met up with several others in Zarzalejo, the town I wish I lived in. We went a short distance into the mountains, up a dubious looking creek to an AWESOME swimming hole. We spent about 5 hours swimming, algae climbing, sleeping on rocks and cliff jumping. The dogs whined and barked, and Sua was fishing like the bears on National Geographic.
We returned to town, toured the garden and commenced a barbecue. I discovered Spanish horchata, which tastes very much like Mexican horchata, except it is made from the tuber of a sedge, called a chufa in Spain, or a tigernut in English although I am quite sure you have never heard of one. Apparently, this was a crop of ancient Egypt, and retains its popularity primarily in Spain. I made guacamole, some salsa and quesadillas with mushrooms. Everybody was so impressed, because Mexican and American pseudo-Mexican foods are viewed with a bit of mysticism. I tried to tell them these are like the three simplest foods in the world. The pathological fear and hypersensitivity to chiles was pretty funny...but they ate my food and liked it alot. About 86 beers later Ares the human, not to be confused with Ares the dog, said to me "Let's join them on the balcony for karaoke". What the @#$%^, Pablo has a karaoke machine??? Turns out the plan was to use some sort of internet-based karaoke, a stereo system and a computer screen...but it never actually worked so we just watched funny you tube videos. I got to see the hilareous repertoire of Rafaella Carra, an Italian singer. She made a bunch of videos in the 80's, always with an entourage of ridiculous coreographed dancers. It's almost as if they are making fun of the concept of dancing. In some ways they reminded me of the original oompa loompas. I truly lost my shit because the silliness was so unexpected. I recommend you look up her video for "Hay que Venir Al Sur" on you tube, it was my personal favorite. You can see a current picture of her below, hanging out with Eli Bernstein. About three or four in the morning I went to sleep on the balcony, because I wanted to be cold for a change. I had a pile of dogs on me all night. Some people think dogs smell bad, but to me dogs smell like my friend who will always be happy to see me, and might steal my food when I'm not looking... but would never betray me in any serious way, and might even endanger his/her own life to protect mine. My brothers and sisters were dogs. Dogs smell good to me as long as they haven't been rolling in shit or a carcass.
The next morning I woke up because Ares the dog was licking my face. Everybody gradually woke up and we had a slow breakfast and coffee session. I left with the same folks I rode with, who had forgotten to tell me the car was not going back to Madrid. So I was going to ride the train with Ruben, while Cristina drove somewhere else that I never heard. We had time to kill, so we had a beer. We kind of had to hurry to get back to the station where Ruben could not find his ticket. He purchased a second ticket just in time to watch the train roll away. So we had another beer...then actually had to run to make the second train. How many PhD's does it take to catch a train on time? Two, but one per train. Previously the train conductor told me that for me, the best route home was to switch trains after a few stops with a 30 minute layover. Actually it was a 90 minute layover, so I ended up getting off the original train then catching the next one on the same line after 30 minutes. Long story short...it was hard getting home yesterday. Customary long-ass metro ride ensued after the train. When I got home Santi had returned from vacation and pointed out the giant tick on my head. Thats what you get when your best friends are dogs.

Rascafria ride & hidden treasure in Madrid

Hola chicos. When i reread my old posts i sound really negative, i think i just tend to write more when i'm annoyed. I don't want you to think Spain sucks. For me there are three things that suck: my girlfriend is in the US, i hate the food and the often mentioned burrocracy. What i like is the sometimes surprising natural beauty, the depth of history and culture that only comes with age (celtic, basque, roman, visigoth, moor, anarchist, monarchy, fascist), and the art treasures that only an old empire could have amassed. I did my ride to rascafria via peurto de la morcuera, returning via peurto de cancencia...about 100km each way. So I've got 4 puertos in the bag for this mountain range...never mind, its a wierd obsession i have, kind of like hikers who bag 14ers in Colorado. It was all pretty, but I wasn't exactly a shutterbug...there just weren't good shots. Everything beautiful was too big to be captured in a photo. I stayed the night in Rascafria. Could I do it in 1 day, yeah I think so, but I would have to avoid the afternoon somehow or do it a month ago. Despite the altitude, la morcuera is quite warm and you are exposed to the sun for over half of the climb. From madrid its a 70 km approach just to begin the climb, and then you bust ass. I was hurting at the top, and was totally bonking. I could see the parking lot/scenic overlook at the pass maybe 0.4 km away but I couldn't make it without stopping to eat. This happens to me from time to time. This one was tougher than Navacerrada i think, or maybe it was just warmer. Par usual the downhill was killer, although a dumbass on a motorcycle almost hit me head on. If you have to veer into the middle of the opposite lane to make a curve, it's simple...you are travelling too fast. These guys are 100X more reckless and dangerous than the drivers of the cars. Unfortunately they love the same roads that cyclists do, because theres few cars. I had a customary stop at a spring near the top, all the puertos have springs developed into fountains. I found a hostal in rascafria for 20 euro, and pretty much passed out from 4:00 - 7:00. I couldn't motivate to climb another puerto (e.g. los cotos from the east) on account of my caloric deficit. The I went out and carbo loaded (this is what some people call drinking beer). The next day I got up early and tried to beat the heat. I stopped 3 times for breakfast, which always consisted of donuts and coffee. Puerto de Canencia turned out to be totally easy, the grade was mellower, it's a bit lower, and the approach is a tree tunnel for part of the way. I recommend this ride to any cyclist, oh and theres a spring with water at the top.
Last weekend it was near 40C in madrid, plenty hot and it just doesn't inspire me to get on a bike to be quite honest. So i went into Madrid to score a free museum visit. First I returned to visit some favorite Picasso, Dali, and Bunuel that i had seen before and tried to take in some of the Reina Sofia colletion that I hadn't really seen. After they closed I walked around looking to treat myself to some good vegetarian food. The thai restaurants all had meaty menus and no tofu, and even the indian restaurants menus were meat centered. I did find a vegetarian menu which cost 16 euro, yeah seriously about 25 bucks for lunch! So much for that idea. But in my wanderings, i was also looking for a pint, I found the Caixa forum. I passed it going one way and just thought it was a bank building. I passed it the other way and saw a 4 story building covered in a jungle! "what the shit is that!" "That" turns out to be a sort of arts community center sponsored by a credit union. they had a nice exhibit of mass produced art (posters, stamps, postcards) by Mucha, aka Joe ArtNouveau. They also had enormous paintings by some nameless artist that were actually vertical sheets of wax upon closer examination. Finally they had a small theater which was showing short Japanese animated films. And the building itself is a work of art (see pics). On the way back to the metro, i made the most important discovery...convenience stores run by Turkish people sell these durum wraps for kebab. You get like 30 big-ass burrito sized ones for 4 euros. They are identical to tortillas! Not exactly cheap but compare that to 2.50 for 6 fajita-size tortillas made by Old El Paso. Now wheres the corn tortilla substitute?